Quickie: BB Can Auditions

I have a confession to make.

I am not a big reality TV guy. The drama makes my brain tired and the alliances feel like high school with better lighting. But everyone has that one secret indulgence they defend with their whole chest, and mine is Big Brother.

Not casually. Not “I’ll catch an episode if I remember.”

I watched the first 21 seasons, and the first 7 of Big Brother Canada. Religiously. I treated eviction nights like national holidays. I could smell a blindside brewing three episodes away. If there were medals for overanalyzing diary room sessions, I’d have a trophy shelf. Unfortunately, losing my vision 6 years ago has put a halt to my Big Brother watch parties.

So when auditions for Big Brother Canada Season 7 came to Kelowna in 2018, it felt like the universe slid a golden key across the table and said, “Your move.” At the time, Jeff was my PA. The year before, I had dragged him into my obsession and successfully converted him. One episode turned into ten, and suddenly, he was debating veto strategy like rent depended on it.

When I told him about the auditions, he didn’t hesitate. He was in.

Now, I’m realistic. I knew it would be a massive undertaking to redesign the Big Brother house to be fully wheelchair accessible. The physical competitions alone would need reworking. It would cost money. It would take effort. Networks love drama, but they also love budgets.

So Jeff and I did what any totally rational superfan would do. We concocted a plan. Jeff would enter the house as my proxy. He would live inside with the other houseguests. I would be sequestered somewhere nearby. And somehow, some way, we would communicate. He would follow my instructions on everything. Who to align with. Who to befriend. Who to gently irritate. Who to vote out.

Jeff would be the puppet.

I would be the puppet master.

Tell me that wouldn’t have been a twist worth watching.

Auditions were being held at Dakodas Sports Bar and Lounge. Of course it was on the second floor. Of course there was no elevator. Because why not add one more obstacle? I called ahead and convinced them to bring me up using their keg lift out back. Yes. I arrived at my Big Brother audition via beer elevator. If that doesn’t scream “prime time television,” I don’t know what does.

Inside, the line was massive. Apparently, half of Kelowna also believed they were destined for televised paranoia. Jeff, who had done some acting work years before, told me the key to casting calls is simple: be memorable. You get about five minutes. That’s it. Five minutes to make them remember you out of a sea of eager faces. Luckily, Journey was working with me at the time, so she came with us. And honestly, what’s more memorable than a guy rolling into an audition with a dog? Instant branding.

They brought people in five at a time. One by one, we each had about five minutes to pitch ourselves. Who we are. How we’d play. Why we deserve to be locked in a house with strangers and surveillance cameras. When it was my turn, I laid it all out. The proxy plan. The twist. The strategy. Jeff as my in-house operative. Me as the off-site strategist pulling the strings. I thought it was genius. Weird, yes. But genius.

As we were leaving, the producer stopped me. Not to talk about the twist. To pet Journey. And in my head, confetti cannons exploded. This is it. I’m unforgettable. The dog sealed the deal.

For the next two weeks, I jumped every time my phone buzzed. Then one day, it rang.

Caller ID: Big Brothers.

Jeff and I lost our minds. This was the call. The key. The beginning of my reign as Canada’s first off-site mastermind. It was Big Brothers Big Sisters of Canada asking for a donation. I have never experienced such a dramatic emotional eviction in my life.

That season went on, and the winner ended up being a Kelowna guy named Dane Rupert. He had been at the audition. In fact, he was in the group of five right before mine. I would be mad that he stole my dream… except I can’t be. He’s genuinely a cool dude. Strategic. Charismatic. Deserving. It turns out a guy with a missing front tooth is more memorable than a guy with a dog.

Still, somewhere in an alternate timeline, Jeff is inside that house right now, whispering into a hidden mic while I orchestrate alliances from the shadows.

And honestly? Canada missed out.

Pretty Boys. At Train Station Pub, the summer after he won!